Q: Why are dogs such bad dancers?
A: They have two left feet.
A poodle and a collie were walking down the street.
The poodle turned to the collie and complained, "My
life is a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is
having an affair with a German shepherd, and I'm
nervous as a cat."
"Why don't you go see a psychiatrist?" asked the
collie.
"I can't," replied the poodle. "I'm not allowed on
the couch."
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Do you know about the two TV antennas that got
married? The wedding was terrible, but the reception
was terrific.
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Rattle Snake
Two friends are hiking in the woods when one is
bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I'll go
into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten
miles to a small town and finds the only doctor
delivering a baby.
"I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what
to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite
is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground."
The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony.
"What did the doctor say?" the victim cries.
"He says you're gonna die."
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72 Virginians
Osama bin Laden went to heaven and was greeted by
George Washington, who slapped him and yelled, "How
dare you try to destroy the nation I helped
conceive?"
Patrick Henry then approached and punched Osama in
the nose. James Madison entered and kicked him in
the shin. An angry Thomas Jefferson whacked Osama
over the head with a cane.
The thrashing continued as John Randolph, James
Monroe and 66 other early Americans came in and
unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.
Suddenly, as Osama lay writhing in unbearable pain,
an angel appeared.
"This is not what you promised me," said Osama.
"Come on, Osama," the angel replied. "I told you
there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in
heaven."
Talking clock
Proudly showing off his new apartment to a friend
late one night, the drunk led the way to the
bedroom, where there was a big brass gong.
"What's that brass gong for?" asked the friend.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk
replied.
"A talking clock? How's it work?"
"Watch this," said the drunk. He took a hammer, gave
the gong an ear-shattering pound and waited. Someone
on the other side of the wall screamed: "Hey, you
jerk. It's 3:00 in the morning!"
A man walks out of a bar and sees a bum
panhandling on the corner. The bum says, "Mister,
can you spare a dollar?"
The man thinks a minute. Then he asks the bum, "If I
give you a dollar, are you going to use it to buy
liquor?"
"No," says the bum.
The man then asks, "If I give you a dollar, are you
going to use it for gambling?"
Again the bum says, "No."
So the man says to the bum, "Do you mind coming home
with me so I can show my wife what happens to
someone who doesn't drink or gamble?"
Red neck jokes
What's the last thing you usually hear before a
redneck dies? "Hey, y'all ... Watch this!"
Three things you'll never hear a redneck say:
•The tires on that truck are too big.
•I thought Graceland was tacky.
•Duct tape won't fix that!
You might be a redneck if you think the last words
to "The Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start
your engines."
Good Question
Bob couldn't believe it -- he'd made it to the last
round of his favorite game show. "Congratulations,
Bob," said the emcee. "Answer correctly and you go
home with five million dollars!
"This is a two-part question on American history,"
he continued. "The second half of the question is
always easier. Which part would you like first?"
Bob figured he'd play it safe. "I think I'll try the
second part of the question first."
The emcee nodded approvingly, while the audience was
silent with anticipation.
"Okay, Bob, here is your question: And in what year
did it happen?
Two dogs walking past a parking meter. One said
to the other, "How do you like that? Pay toilets."