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Cab Driver:
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The
driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the
footpath, and stopped inches from a
light post.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look
sir,
don't ever do that again. You scared the heck out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would
scare you so much. "
The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as
a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
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The Cop and the Little Boy
A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when a little boy on his new
shiny bike stopped beside him.
"Nice bike," the cop said.
"Did Santa give you that?"
"Yes Sir," the little boy said,
"He sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed the boy a $5 ticket for a safety
violation.
The cop said, "Next year, tell Santa to put a
reflector on the back of it!"
The young boy looked up at the cop and said, "Nice
horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa give you that?"
Playing along with the boy, the cop chuckled,
"Yes, he sure did!"
The little boy looked up at the cop and said, "Next
year tell Santa: The dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."
The Four Cats
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were .
The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man
was a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called his cat,
"T-square, do your stuff."
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew
a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better.
He called his cat and said,
"Spreadsheet, do your stuff."
Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He
divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies .
.Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said
"Measure, do your stuff."
Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk,, got a 10 ounce
glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into
the glass.
Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your
cat do?"
The Government Employee called his cat and said.....
"Coffee Break.....do your stuff."
Coffee Break jumped to his feet...........
ate the cookies...............
drank the milk..............
sh*t on the paper....................
screwed the other three cats.....................
claimed he injured his back while doing so..................
filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.........
put in for Workers Compensation...............and
went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.............!!!!!!!!!!
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Josi frequently attends his church Bingo club, where every week a gag door prize
is given out. One week, Josi is presented with a toilet brush.
''What the hell is this?'' he asks the pastor.
''Why, it's a toilet brush.''
''Ooh, I see,'' says Josi. A couple weeks later, the pastor jokingly asks Josi
how the brush is working.
''Well, it's okay, but I think I'll go back to using paper.''
Southern Etiquette
Two young southern Belle's were sitting on the porch sipping iced tea.
"My, what a wonderful ring you have there, wherever did you get it?"asked the
first girl.
"Well, my husband gave it to me for our recent anniversary", said the second.
The first girl smiled and replied, "Oh, how nice"
"And that is a lovely matching necklace you are wearing, where did you get
that?"
"Well, my husband gave it to me for our recent anniversary", said the second.
first girl smiled and replied, "Oh, how nice"
"What a beautiful broach you have there, Where did you get that?"
"Well, my husband gave it to me for our recent anniversary", said the second.
She thought a minute, then realized they had both gotten married about the same
time and asked" What did your husband get you for your anniversary?"
"My husband gave me etiquette lessons", said the first.
"Now, what in the world could a refined young lady like yourself ever learn from
etiquette lessons?" asked the second girl.
"Well, I learned that when ever I want to tell some one 'F#ck You', I should
just smile and say 'Oh,how nice'"
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